I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
