Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
