he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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