Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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