I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize