Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Damn victory sex feels great
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
