i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
