Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
