also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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