Your face is a jimmy john
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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