Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
