No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
