I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
