so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize