matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize