Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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