Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
