Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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