So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
