I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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