Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
