I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
