listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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