You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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