they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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