so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your cock deserves a montage
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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