My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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