me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
