Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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