Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
