4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
