I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
