My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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