her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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