my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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