at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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