So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
