I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
