watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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