Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
