I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
