Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
