I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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