how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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