Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
