I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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