Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
