If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
