her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
