I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
