The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He better not be in your backpack
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
