the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
