Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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