someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
