i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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