Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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