Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
