I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
